DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
