We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
