Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize