I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
