Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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