i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize