After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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