Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
