I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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