I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
