i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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