How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
