im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
