I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
