She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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