I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
