maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
