Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
