I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
