i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dignity is for republicans.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
