I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
