First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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