She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
