am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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