So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
