You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
