i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm always down for nudity.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
