I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
