Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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