hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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