I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My vagina just clenched in fear
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