If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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