I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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