I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
