So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
