I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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