You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
