I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
