you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
