I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
