is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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