I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
