i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
