Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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