I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
