I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just want to make out with him forever
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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