Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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