it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Randomize
