You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
