My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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