The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
