i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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