Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
