I think im going to throw up on grandma
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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