do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
