Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
